How does this sound for a prologue?

July 9, 2052


I still have nightmares about the night I almost got married. I know you won’t understand this. It is unexplainable but, I can still feel the tears coming down my face when he found me. It happened forty-four years ago and I still remember exactly what happened. My parents always wanted the best for me. As we were some what royalty, I had to marry a prince or a lord. Or at least, that is what they wanted. He was handsome, I admit. He just wasn’t the one for me. I was a Hemophage and he was a Blood Feeding Vampire. I just didn’t think it would work. For one thing, I hated when he killed Humans for their blood. It just disgusted me. A Hemophage, as I forgot to mention, is a type of Vampire. A Hemophage can feed on Human emotions, Human blood, or everyday Human food. Yes, it is all about the Humans.


I’ve only ever met one Emotion Stealer, a Vampire who feeds off of Human emotions, and that is my dad, Noah. Noah is the quiet type. He keeps to himself a lot. Needless to say, I didn’t really know him growing up. The most I knew about him was his hair was naturally forest green and his eyes were a soft grey. Not a whole lot. So, we were never close. My mother is the one who raised me my whole life. Her hair was blonde with blue highlights. I loved her eyes. They were the color of chocolate. She was also the one that made me hate Blood Feeders, a Vampire that feeds off Human blood. Lily, my mother, came home one night after hunting with a bloodied Human in her mouth. After that, I didn’t believe killing Humans was right. Of course being a Vampire might seem cool to some of you but, you haven’t seen what I have. The rules aren’t all that fair. Just like the rule that says all young women must be married after their sixteenth birthday.


I’m not special like you think. Nothing is special about people thinking you are dead. The only thing that bothers my parents is that I have a choice. When I eat normal food they had a problem with it. It’s like they thought I couldn’t run my own life. Other than that it wasn’t easy being me. I was constantly hunted by the two clans of Vampires I mentioned. Emotion Stealers and Blood Feeders. They wanted to kill me because I was special. But then again I was easy to find. Most Hemophages walked on your world. We were inconspicuous that way. The others live in the shadows and eat people like you.


This is my story and I promise to tell you everything. I can’t leave anything out for your sake or you will get confused. It is a little scary, but you need to know. It may have happened to you or someone you know. When I think of this story, I close my eyes and I feel my hair changing from chocolate brown to pale silver. I feel my wrinkles tighten against my bones. I feel my blood run cold and I hear one loud beat before my heart quiets. I feel I have more energy and that youthful innocence returns. I open my eyes. I am Kairi Robinson and I am sixteen years old. Most call me a princess. Others call me a snot-nosed, spoiled brat.


My ambition to become a Human returns to my head and I remember the only way I will be one. I’ll become a Human only if I fall in love with a Werewolf. But the Werewolf needs to fall in love with me as well. It isn’t as easy as it seems because my wedding night was in my way.


Daniel Michael Andrews was handsome for seventeen but, he wasn’t the guy for me. That is why I wasn’t thrilled when my parents brought him home. We were to be married the week after my sixteenth birthday. But that was before I knew. Everything was different after that. Everything was so different.

How does this sound for a prologue?
The answerer above said it quite well; however, you deserve more than one answer. I think that your concept is intriguing, but I also think that you are writing too much in your prologue --a prologue should just give an introduction to what is to come later, a sort of hint. After you make your revelations in the first paragraph, you should concentrate on saying only a bit more before drawing the prologue to a close and beginning the actual story where, in small increments, you can add your details. Readers prefer action and dialog to long descriptive paragraphs, so try to start your story with activities and sprinkle that with musings by your heroine/protagonist as the story progresses. One more observation from me: Due to the apparently extreme popularity of the %26quot;Twilight%26quot; series, there are countless young prospective writers developing vampire stories; therefore, to be successful, you will need to produce a novel which is original and compelling. Still, you do have an interesting start, so go ahead with it; see if you can write an exciting story. Good luck!
Reply:Eh, it seems too much like you%26#039;re just describing this Hemophage thing you made up. It%26#039;s got a lot of cliche ideas floating around.





You%26#039;re more explaining the plot because it%26#039;s so complicated, rather than just having the plot happen. Then again, this is a prologue you said.





Plus, is it normal to get married at 17? Maybe I%26#039;m just uncultured and forced marriages (er...arranged) are that young, but it seems they should be older. I get the feeling you are around that age and even if you aren%26#039;t it sends that vibe out like you%26#039;re %26quot;writing what you know.%26quot;





I mean, I don%26#039;t know. It%26#039;s a struggle with fantasy and sci-fi to force in all the rules and terms but that%26#039;s part of what makes you good or bad at it. Shoving it all in a prologue isn%26#039;t good enough because we should be able to skip the prologue and not loose anything important -- it should all come out bit by bit as it arises in the story. But instead, EVERYTHING important is in the prologue.





The writing is conversational and not bad by any means, but the content sort of makes me cringe even as a sci-fi writer.



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