What kind of structure is healthy for an 18-yr old male?

My son is just coming our of a b-mod facility and has learned some real good skills, however my home is not nearly as structured as the facility and I know some of those behaviors will diminish with time. My concern is this, he is 18 and may want more freedom, or want to hang out til 3 am with friends, or something like this. I am curious as to what is considered ok limits to set for him. When I was 18, I left home and got married. I don't see that for him, but I never had a 'normal' childhood being raised by an alcholic mom, I feel as though I was raising my mom and siblings so it seemed natural to move on to my own family. And yes, I have struggled with many problems being ACoA. I Don't know what is 'normal' for my children's teenage years, and expectations for them, which is why he ended up in a b-mod facility. any ideas would be helpful!


thanks,


lily

What kind of structure is healthy for an 18-yr old male?
Hey Lily,





I've got to empathize with you. My 17 y.o. daughter isn't working this summer and is staying out very late, a few nights ago till 4 A.M., last week overnight...





Our family is blended, my daughter largely lives with my ex-. My wife and I have limited control over the situation. I also share the ACoA thing.





Nevertheless, she is a pretty good kid. And I'm blessed that this is the extent of her teenage rebellion. Our thoughts, after discussing this regarding her may not completely apply to your son, who has worked on BMod. However, in short we felt that given that she hasn't abused the trust and is open about what she is doing and why, we will allow her enough rope to hang herself.





(You may remember the old Leave it to Beaver show. I believe that model of fatherhood, Ward, said something like that to June at one point.)





I don't know what tools we as parents really have when our children are this age. One, taking the car keys, isn't realistic in the case of my daughter-- she doesn't drive. So, there are limited ways that we can punish or coerce older adolescents.





The heart of your question is what is normal? I think that depends on the maturity of the child. When you were 18 it was moving out and getting married. For my daughter at 17, and living in the suburbs, it is staying out all night with friends (in a friends home with parents, if that means anything).





For me, in an urban hot zone, my parents were out of the country-- it was setting my own limits. For my current and also for my former wives, they were living with conservative parents in small town settings, both had 11 P.M. curfews.





Can you discuss these issues with your son? What does he need? It might help him to refuse some invitations that he'd rather not accept to be able to blame you, he might actually appreciate the need for the limits and also for a scapegoat when his friends are pushing.





I think you should recognize that at 18 he is old enough to leave home. For example members of professional sports teams and the military as well as so many college students are only 18. So many peers are already setting their own limits. Also, I think that you may want to consider allowing him room to make mistakes. Sooner or later he will not have you around. He needs the tools to make these mistakes, let him make some small mistakes. Can you live with him being out working on a friend's computer or motor cycle all night? What if it's a girl? Well, my stomach is tossing about the opposite side of that, but I reluctantly thought I could.





Could he stay out all night playing poker? Dungeons %26amp; Dragons? Drinking or getting high? There is a line here. D%26amp;D may be okay, getting stoned, no.





You'll go crazy controlling everything he does. He has to create the limits himself at some point. It was the inability to set those limits that got our parents into the alcoholic mess we could probably discuss for hours. As hard as it is, let this bird some freedom.





Also, see if there is help available from the BMod center. I expect there is out patient counselling there, or at a community help center. I wish you well. It is so hard to see them hurt themselves.
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