What do you think of this as an intro to a novel?

I'm out feeding the hyena her kibble and chicken backs and doing what i can to clear up after the latest storm, when the call comes through. It's Andrea. Andrea Knowles Cotton Tierwater, my ex- wife, my wife of a thousand years ago, when i was young and vigorous and relentlessly virile, the woman who rotinely chained herself to cranes and bulldozers and seven-hundred-thousand- dollar Feller Buncher machines back in the time when we thought it mattered, the woman who helped me raise my daughter, the woman who made me crazy. Jesus Christ. If somebody has to come, why couldn't it be Teo? He'd be easier- him I could just kill. Bang-bang. And then Lily would have something more than chicken backs for dinner.

What do you think of this as an intro to a novel?
Honestly, it's not intro type. Your writing is too descriptive and the description is too long and too many words for an intro. You must first grab your reader's attention even on the first sentence. Don't give up!
Reply:Hmmm. not bad, but doesnt indicate much about the plot.
Reply:its a good thriller but i don't believe it should be the intro.
Reply:HOW THE MIND WORKS


NOT BAD


AND THE MIND IS A TERRIBLE THING TO WASTE
Reply:eh. Don't take this personally, but I wouldn't read further. It sure doesn't grab me as a book that's going to be very interesting. For example... I don't care that he used to be relentlessly virile (it's a horrid contrast to the statement "helped me raise my daughter"). What I want to know is, why the heck does he have a hyena as a pet? It doesn't read like a realistic thought process.





Dunno... maybe I'm just picky. Good luck with it!
Reply:I take it this novel is for the young 20 -25 crowd? The line,"my wife of a thousand years ago, when I was young and vigorous and relentlessly virile" up to "when we thought it mattered", is a very good description. An opening line that catches the readers interest with the rest of the paragraph pulling the reader into the story. Good luck.
Reply:you should start out with the timeframe,city and what season.
Reply:It need a little more structure and some more detail. This would be a better narrative if it had more of both in it.





What you lack is time, place, and a character. If you're doing it from a first-person perspective, you have to be a bit more creative and imaginative with it--in order to draw in your target audience.





But it does sound promising, despite the flaws.
Reply:it's certainly novel, but don't give up your day job at MacDonald's just yet.



beauty