Please read my poem, i don't get that many answer'ers'!?

Sorry, I think my conscience must've got lost on the way,


maybe it decided to call in sick today.


Whipe the blood on my jeans, paste on a smile,


I hope I can keep going for one last mile.


I won the battle, but he lost the fight


A siren starts sounding to my right.


Grip the wheel a little tighter, my knuckles red,


repeat the very last words that he said.


"At home I've got children, a daughter and wife.


My lily of the valley, the love of my life.


You've gotta know how I feel, with a brood of your own,"


But I shook my head, said "I live all alone".


"Every night I lay down, and cry silver tears,


I killed my wife and kids, its been so many years."


He didn't beg for his life, but he didn't ask for more,


so i pulled over the car, and opened the door.


He may be in bad shape, but he'll come home tonight,


he's gotta be there, to kiss his kid, and turn out the light.


He'll curl up in bed, his heartbeat so weak,


but he'll curl up with his wife, lay a kiss on her cheek.

Please read my poem, i don't get that many answer'ers'!?
Good poem. But I would leave out the last lines, the ones that you couldn't fit in.





I would leave everything else the way it was until the line, "but he'll curl up with his wife, lay a kiss on her cheek." thats a good ending line.





Also, the only part that confused me a lil' was after you said, "I live all alone" The person talking after that who says, "Everynight I lay down, and cry.....(so on)" was that you talking or him?





If its him (which is what i thought, then i'd leave it be. But, if its you, then you should write it like this,





But I shook my head, said, "I live all alone.


Every night... (and so on.)





you don't the the " mark after alone.


but like i said, if it was him talkin' then you're good. lol





^ thats what i think. good job.
Reply:I wanted to give you an answer but this isn't really my kind of poem, kind of sad isn't it.
Reply:My opinion is that you write beautifuly!!! u have a GIFT (as people say) of writing poetry. you should really really keep writing more and more of these poetry because i assure u that one day u will become an amazing writer. this is a great poem, as well as the others you have wrote. keep up the good work!





am 12..and i also need help on poetry about a song i made up about a friend of mine that died (she didnt really died..is just that it came to me)!








u already put one like this... maybe thats why some people dont answer..
Reply:It's absolutely beautiful. I wouldn't change a thing.
Reply:You have talent for writing! I would suggest trying a new subject and writing another poem. Not that I'm saying "drop this one," but it's kind of disturbing.





~Pax~
Reply:I could write better so I don't like it. Dreadful!


BAD!
Reply:answerred already...on your OTHER question that's the same...





i like it :]
Reply:its great! im 13 too. and i think its the best peom i have ever heard. very intressting too.



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