Newest poem? Please, what do you think? I wrote it, I'm 13?

Sorry, I think my conscience must've got lost on the way,


maybe it decided to call in sick today.


Whipe the blood on my jeans, paste on a smile,


I hope I can keep going for one last mile.


I won the battle, but he lost the fight


A siren starts sounding to my right.


Grip the wheel a little tighter, my knuckles red,


repeat the very last words that he said.


"At home I've got children, a daughter and wife.


My lily of the valley, the love of my life.


You've gotta know how I feel, with a brood of your own,"


But I shook my head, said "I live all alone".


"Every night I lay down, and cry silver tears,


I killed my wife and kids, its been so many years."


He didn't beg for his life, but he didn't ask for more,


so i pulled over the car, and opened the door.


He may be in bad shape, but he'll come home tonight,


he's gotta be there, to kiss his kid, and turn out the light.


He'll curl up in bed, his heartbeat so weak,


but he'll curl up with his wife, lay a kiss on her cheek.

Newest poem? Please, what do you think? I wrote it, I'm 13?
Did you really write that? I guess it's just such a good poem and it flows so well! You should keep writing poems and maybe in the future you could publish some of them!!!


Once again, very nice poem
Reply:My opinion is that you write beautifuly!!! u have a GIFT (as people say) of writing poetry. you should really really keep writing more and more of these poetry because i assure u that one day u will become an amazing writer. this is a great poem, as well as the others you have wrote. keep up the good work!





am 12..and i also need help on poetry about a song i made up about a friend of mine that died (she didnt really died..is just that it came to me)!
Reply:This is beautiful...I love poems that tell stories...especially the ones that wouldn't necessarily pertain to you....they're just good readin. good luck and email me more if you want...i accept emails...i love poetry!
Reply:I am 13 too! I love your poem, the rhyme isn't forced and thats a good thing!


I would like to know your opinion on my poems, so if you want you can go to my profile and look at my questions, the top one is my latest and greatest I think. I would love to know what you think!


:)


kara
Reply:wow! great poem! i couldn't write as something as good as this when i was 13..! great work.. you should enter poem contests... this will show your talent and beautiful work piece to everybody around the world...
Reply:ugh it sounds terrible. its a cheep shot from a thirteen year old
Reply:I believe I critiqued one of your poems recently and as I recall that was a good effort also.





Heavy and dark! For one so young to come up with this type of missive off the top her head is astounding! You are good!





I find the dark repartee between a waif and her paramour a little bent on similes and metaphors. Where did the blood come from? Write what you feel. "...my conscience....call in sick today."; I won the battle...etc"; "My lily Of The Valley....etc". Be yourself and expand your ideas. Its a good story line one I haven't seen for a long time.





The pentameter is good and keeps the story rolling with the reader looking for more excitement as the story unfolds.





I would also suggest you continue to read other authors of the same genre, free form. Your punctuation seems to have improved over the last missive of yours I read, keep at it.





Even in your writing infancy you are a natural. Keep writing when the need arises. I want to see more of your work.
Reply:LUV it...kkeeep up the wonderful work..:]]]
Reply:keep up the good work, the best time to write is when it just starts pouring out of you from out of nowhere


peace and grace to you from God
Reply:thats an amazing poem for a 13 year old! did u really write that?! i find it hard to believe!
Reply:that is good i make poems up too. That is cool i think that is the best i have read so far today



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